Long time no blog.

Hello my fellow bloggers :)

Welcome to the latest edition of my life (haha).
In my last post, how I went on and on about something not feeling right between me and this guy?
Well how spot on was I. I was so spot on with that guess that I was IN the spot.
Most of you are probably reading this thinking.. spot? What does a spot have to do with all this? Ok now I don’t know what I’m on about.
Moving on..

My friend Mike, came up to me at the end of yet another school day (which I spent wondering why my guy wasn’t talking to me) last week.. and tells me he has something I probably need to hear..
I knew almost straight away that it was something to do with Him (no not God, the guy I like!). He told me that He doesn’t like me anymore. Nice Mike, way to drop a bombshell on me like that. :
I left school in an absolute daze.. this was like all the puzzle pieces coming together.. everything made sense now.
But I was absolutely heartbroken. I can’t believe he just left me like that. And I was furious that he had gone around telling others, but STILL had not told me.
Sure, it’s hard to say, but if I was gonna hear it, I would’ve rather heard it from Him.
So I trudged home, and once I got behind a closed door, cried my eyes out. To the point where I couldn’t breathe. I lay on the bathroom floor and tried to catch my breath. And this is what I did after school for about three days.
Then I got up, dusted myself off, and baked muffins. LOTS of muffins.
When I was at school I would have random fits of laughter at something not even funny.
Maaaaaaaan, I had been driven right over the edge.
So I decided to avoid him, and keep my head held high the whole time.
My friend Betty kept telling me that he was talking about me to her… he seemed to be concerned. But at that point I thought, Pfft, bullshit that you even feel bad. Up yours. You don’t care.

Days went by and I ignored the prick, pretending not even to care. I must be a good actor because he started following me around trying to talk to me… I avoided him at every chance I got (of course), but he just kept trying to get through to me.
But, after a few more days of hearing that he was soooo concerned with me from everyone else (pfft), I decided to just suck it up and talk to him.
So the other day at lunch, He was walking away from his locker, I just decided to Carpe Diem and pulled him around the corner.
I admitted that I had been avoiding him, and told him that I was there now so to talk. He said that he didn’t know what to say (which I found hard to believe because he seemed to have a lot to say to everyone else!), so I said, “Ok, well here’s one. Why have you gone around telling everyone that you don’t have feelings for me anymore? I mean, I should’ve heard it from you.”
He started saying that I didn’t give him the chance to tell him, and I kept ‘looking at him funny’. At which point I told him I knew how hard it was to say it to someone, I had been there before but he shouldn’t have told anyone else.
There was a silence.
I said, “Look, if you’re over it, I’m over it. Seriously.”
He gave me this look which said he didn’t believe me.
I assured him it was true.
He said I probably wanted to punch him. I said I would never punch him. He denied it. I said that I lied and that I would but I wasn’t going to.
He smiled that stupid, amazing smile that melts me everytime. My favourite smile, the one I love.
It was at that point where he put his hand on my shoulder and said “We can still be friends.”
It was at that point where it hit me that things had changed for good.
It was at the stage when we said goodbye and I sat with my friends that I collapsed into a fit of laughter, no doubt the aftershock of my little kicking-of-His-ass.

Enough for now, because I’m tired, so I must sleep.
But until next time,


Rachel x

Tomato face :|

Well that jog didn't help my mood as much as I thought it would. :
All it really did is almost make me faint, give me the reddest tomato face I have EVER had in my entire life, and supply me with yet another wonderful chance to embarrass myself in public.
Ohhhh boy.
Honestly though, there was a guy walking down the street who looked exactly like my neighbour, so I turned and said "Hey! :)"
It wasn't until the moment he started squinting at me with an utterly confused and unfamiliar face that I realised this was NOT my neighbour.
So my response to that was:
"Oh sorry wrong person.." *turns and walks off hurriedly, muttering oh god oh god that did NOT just happen...*

Anyhoo, my red face faded and that brings us to today!
So I spoke to him, it was just small talk but at least I got response.. I'm still a tad confused, I feel like things are different now, but I don't know why..
Did I do something?
Seriously, I just want to say to him "Why are things different? What's changed? You can't just leave me.. I MEAN, YOU ARE MY FRIEND. AND WHAT'S WITH YOU NOT TALKING TO ME ANYWAY?!?! HOW COULD YOU JUST DUMP SO MUCH ON ME THEN RUN OFF TO ANOTHER STATE! AND THEN HAVE THE NERVE TO COME BACK AND PRETEND WE NEVER HAD ANYTHING?! WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT? I'M IN THIS AS MUCH AS YOU. I'M SCARED TOO YOU KNOW. YOU'VE BEEN AWAY, BUT IT'S LIKE YOU'RE STILL NOT BACK. YOU WON'T TALK TO ME. HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS? HUH? TELL ME THAT. BECAUSE I CANNOT HANDLE THIS. AND I DEFINATELY CAN'T HANDLE IT ALONE."
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Nice to get things off your chest and onto a blog haha.

Well, at least I have my good friends to keep me sane and back me up.
Which reminds me, he was talking to my friend Betty about me for ages in her class.. hmm.. what could that mean?
I feel like I'm getting mixed signals.

If anyone has feedback that would be awesome :)

Rachel x

This Just In.

Howdy doodies.

You know how I had a very random rant earlier about having a feeling something would go wrong in my so good so far week?
Well, you know how you have those dreams about being naked in front of EVERYONE?
I lived that embarrassment yesterday, I must’ve “tempted fate” with my goddamn post. Bugger.

And no, I wasn’t naked, but I felt like I may as well have been! I had just joined this netball team you see, with all my old friends. I thought it would be a great idea, but the thing is, I’m not very athletic.. sports just isn’t my thing.

I went along anyway, but I had to jump in straightaway, and I had no idea of the rules or boundary lines or ANYTHING.
So there I am, like a lost sheep, just wondering around. I got so many faults, the other team had a greeeeeeeat laugh.
I was absolutely positively MORTIFIED.

Anyway, moving along to todays shipwreck.
It was the first day back at school, and you know that guy I was talking about? Well my plan was to play “hard to get”, right? Bulletproof some would say. Well, those who say it are forgetting one thing.

How hard it is to ignore them when you have so much to say!

He was also ignoring me.. which was hard to swallow in itself. It’s like he just up and left me, led me on and then left me, telling me he pretty much didn’t want me anymore..
Like my friend Alice would say, he “pulled an Edward Cullen”.
Ohhhhhh Goddddddddddddddd boys are so confusing!

And after this very long, very tiring day, I’m sitting here and having the reality of this all crashing down on me at once..
And there is also a possibility in my mind, that he has met another girl while he was away..

I guess we shall have to wait and see what happens…
But in the meantime, I’m off to take a well deserved jog and get those endorphins up!

Toodles! :P

Rachel x

Free.

“Freedom is fragile and must be protected. To sacrifice it, even as a temporary measure, is to betray it.”
- Germaine Greer



Freedom.

It’s something people are constantly wishing for. It’s something people strive to achieve, something worth the risk of obtaining. But what if, just maybe, freedom is served up to you on a shiny platter. Then what? Do you take it without question? Or, is there something to be lost in order for this freedom to be gained. The question is, how do we know? And what is the right thing to do?

What happens when everything you have been working so hard to reach for is suddenly tossed to you by the swift hands of fate? What is left to want, when you seem to have everthing?

Is there something terrifying around the corner, just lying in wait, ready to spring out and tear down everything which you have been so lucky to recieve? Because we all know that in this life, all good things eventually come to end.

This is when we wait for change, and this wait is one of the hardest things you might ever have to do. So hold tight, and pray that you don’t get lost in the whirlwind of change.

Bananas are an exellent source of potassium.

The other day I found myself standing in the fruit section of my local Supermarket, considering whether or not to put my phone with the bananas and casually walk off.

Why would I do such a thing you ask? Have I gone bananas? (haha get it!)
My answer is but one word long.

Boys.

I was hoping to spend these summer hoidays more productively than moping around my house, being extremely antisocial and becoming disturbingly addicted(but also skilled :P) to tetris. These are well known symptoms of I-like-a-guy-who-is-a-total-moron syndrome.

Long story shorter? This boy, the most recent one I've been rambling about, let's call him.. Jake.
Well, he eventually broke up with his girlfriend.. and not too long after, we ended up admitting that we had feelings for each other... and everything was great, we planned to hopefully go out in the new year, a fresh start. And he was going to be in another state for five weeks of summer, so it wasn't exactly the best time. I didn't mind waiting, because I liked him enough to wait.. but (yes, the biiiiiiiiiiiiiig but) before he left, he basically told me not to count on him to be there when he gets back. If another guy asked me out I should "go for it". I mean, seriously?! What do I say to that?! Something in him had changed and I could tell.. he just wasn't the same.
He has now come back from his holiday of almost 2 months.. and I haven't heard a word from him. (Ok, ok, the story is a tad long, but you can imagine how long the detailed version is!)

And you know, I kept telling myself that if he wanted to see me he would call.. but days went by and he just, didn't. So the other night I gave in like a total idiot and texted him: "Hey :) how was your flight? xo" (and he always replied with an xo or "love you" or something.)
He texts me back saying: "Haha good"
Maybe I'm reading too much into this.. but I know him, I know what he's like, and he would usually reply with something a little more, like a "love you" at the end.
This reply was so blunt that it cut me like a sharp knife. And the cut stings.
He has been completely avoiding me, and i just don't understand why.

I want to ignore him back, but there's a more prominent part of me that just wants to confront him. So here I am, stranded, not knowing which direction to follow.

I NEED SOME INSPIRATION!

If anyone could give me some advice, it would be much apprecitated :)

Rachel x